Tattered Dream

Photograph from internet of William Shakespeare’s quote: Expectation is the root of all heartache.

If you walk past me and see
That I am a tattered dream,
I want you to know
That you could have saved me.

It’s not that I need saving,
But that loneliness becomes too much
Of a burden
Silence as clear as glass.

Am I not worthy of love?
Am I unworthy of the same
Material possessions which you enjoy?
A home, a bed, a hot meal, and some clean clothes?

I wish I could not make you afraid of me,
Of the presence I know myself to shame.
It is not me that you see,
It is the struggle of my orphan hood.

A child cannot know safety if the father is absent.
A child cannot know love if the mother is absent.
Orphan, alone, neglected.
Because of what?

This word, this mark cuts me to my bones.
It slices through my heart like a razor.
It makes me feel the cold.
An absence in my soul; “too much,” it says.

The emptiness surrounds me.
I am blanketed by the stars above me,
And the ancestors who watch me.
While the darkness overtakes the cold.

Alone, alone. The orphan always alone.
I know I have lost my way.
I do not know who I am.
I start to think if it even matters.

but,

As I dream of my so called better life,
I know things could have been much worse.
At least I am alive, I tell myself.
But, being alive is not the same as living.

I am a ghost girl, walking amongst the living.
Trying to become whole, complete.
But I am too shattered.
My fragments of dreams have died in each lover’s hands.

The illusion of love seems to be the only way
Of forcing myself to become real.
To no longer dance the song I am forced to dance.
I want to sing the song in my soul.

The beating of what I listen to is of my own heart.
Bruised by each failed attempt at mending myself.
Shakespeare once said that expectation
Is at the root of all heartache.

He is correct.
I expected to be sheltered by my family
Instead of thrown out into the nothingness.
The wolf laughing while his yellow eyes gleam.

So I say to you, if you see that I am a tattered dream,
I want you to know that you could have saved me.
You could have listened to my heart beating too,
And brought me away from the cold.

GAM

 

EX-Named

I was at my sister’s house, but she isn’t really my sister. She is the second daughter of the man who adopted me and she is from his first marriage. I was adopted by him and his second wife, so we are not related in any way except through the legal system. I was in her house, and I have not been there for years because we have not spoken in years. None the less, I was walking through the entryway and went directly to the back porch, which I would have done normally. Once I got back there, I noticed several changes, such as a roof on the patio that had not been there before. It was almost closed up, and I didn’t like the claustrophobic feeling. Then I noticed that people from my past were there such as my ex husband and a friend from my high school. In real life, none of these people had met any of the others. I left the patio and came inside the house, and went directly into the garage but my ex familiars had followed me in there too. I left the garage and was heading into the spare bedroom in order to be alone when I encountered my Russian brother. He was adopted a couple years after I was and by the same couple. Since I am from Romania and was very young when I came to the US, and my brother was much older, we didn’t get to know each other very well. He is 6 years older than me and only lived in the same house as me for 3 years before he turned 18 and moved out on his own. He stopped me in the hall and berated me about my legal name change. I had taken my Romanian name back and he didn’t like it. He kept telling me that my Romanian name is not my name! He said that the name the people who adopted us had changed my name to was my real name. He stated that he would only call me by what he knew me to be, and refused to acknowledge my coming home to self. I started to scream at him for not accepting me, and then I woke up from my dream.

GAM